Facing illness, I’m discovering more habits I have the power to change. In the process of noticing my compulsive habits, I found that they’re not unmanageable. I stopped drinking coffee. And this helped me relax more. I no longer feel those surges to multi task and force my will into maintaining everything. In my new herbal tea mindset, things get done, just in a more calm and deliberate manner. Eating tiny meals has actually eased some stress; I’m saving funds at the grocery store and my jeans now feel comfortable. I have excellent control with portions now, which means no more isolating hours in the bathroom or expansive bloating. While I’m not cured, I’m learning how to live my new reality with a positive outlook.
Since recognizing the factor of stress and my bold confrontation with issues, relationships that were complicated are suddenly eased. In letting go of my hyper expectations for myself, I am better able to let go of my high expectations of others. Last night after days of feeling resistance and discomfort with a woman I am working with for a pet adoption, I realized that sometimes I’m just too hard on people. I don’t mean that I’m outright argumentative, pushy or manipulative. On the outside, I try to be as pleasant and agreeable as possible so not to spark conflict. Instead of impulsively speaking out my feelings I internalize the dialogue that I so want to say. I’m hard on person in the privacy of my own mind. And struggling with them there changes nothing. It only wastes my energy and joy for living. But once that loop of cycling dialogue kicks in, it’s hard to break the pattern. Sometimes a long nap or a night’s rest helps me to forget what I was so mad about. If I have a good creative project, this sometimes helps me work things out and make the peace I long to reclaim.
So just before bed last night, I tried to find a perspective that would allow me to be kinder in my own mind toward this person. I wondered if they had come in my life to teach me something.
I took a long look at my internal selfie and decided it needed some editing.
Usually when people are rude or unkind, I bolt for fastest route out of the situation and make plans to never have to deal with them again. Because I don’t like to be uncomfortable and mask my true feelings, which may or may not be based in logic or reason. Keeping my cool is easier done on the outside, but the furnace inside me wants to blow.
Being kind on the inside matters more than simply acting kind. I want to genuinely care about people despite their behavior. And I cannot make this happen without continual work and exposure to the flow of life outside of these four walls. I’d like for the cocoon I’ve created to be burst so that the wings I’ve been developing can be free to take me out and lift me up.